Alone, twisted inside, turmoil?

"On lonely nights I start to fade"

What is this life I am destined to lead?
Are there answers in the clouds or in the good book I read?
One thing is true, Faith is something easy to profess;
but, in your actions, thoughts, and feelings is it truly so easy to confess?

heat induced insomnia

it's 2300, the generator just cut the power. maybe somebody forgot to refuel it. it happens. its 2320 and the heat from outside is creeping into my room. I uncover. its still hot. roomate's awake, put on headphones. drift away, hot. can't sleep. toss once, turn twice. power is back on, check my watch in the blessed a/c, 0130 indiglo time. I have to wake up in 2 hours. do I get on-line or do I try to sleep. think. what about before. i've done 36 hours on 30 minutes. that sucks. go to sleep even for a shot at 30 minutes. you have to be on top of it for your men. yeah, go to sleep. 0350, that sucks, barely slept. grab a monster, all is well. no hot coffee first, save the monster for when ur tired. oh only java monster left, meh, all the same. drink it down. liquid gold. i'm alive. I am awake. the sun has risen. it's not 100 degress yet because of the dust. glory!

the pace...

I feel like I am running a race. It's a long long marathon, but only a piece of the leg. I am fighting the fight and rising to the challenges. Is this easy? No. Is this anything school or training can prepare you for? Nope. Is it easy to run off the course or give up? Hell yeah!

I am frustrated, annoyed, but am willing to keep going. I do my job without complaint, driving on. You expect me to run, I am a runner.

Disapointments

Life is like a mispeled word sumtimes. You have expectations that are high. Sometimes they are too high and the mere fact that the outcome does not meet the expectation leaves you - yearning, longing, wanting- more. Does it happen all the time? If you are fortunate, no, but some of us often end up with a confused sense that something isn't quite right, like a misspelled word...

A shot at Love with CR...?

I was thinking of a creative title and all Ithat popped into my head was the infamous show, "A shot at love with Tila Tequila." Now I am sure you are laughing or you have no idea what I am talking about. In one instance you watch TV, in the other you don't. Needless to say (my English prof once told me if it was "needless to say, don't say it"), I won't judge you and don't feel left out because aside from the this portion of the text, the title has nothing to do with the show. LOL.

Anyway, the real crux of this post is Love. Being in it, sharing it, searching for it, loosing it. But as I write this I am beginning to understand it more. I mean think about it, If my principle is to live without regrets and that the meaning of life is about people, it makes sense that I will search, meet, fall in Love, fall out of love, and move on. The problem with my life though is the sacrifice I make for my country to serve. Somehow it always gets in the way and I gues that is why it is a sacrifice and why this job int foreveryone and the divorce rate among my profession is high.

All of this, combined with my past experiences make it quite easy, when given a cause to move on once I cut someone completely out. That is one thing I am good at, but it seems to be failing me as of late. I have't been able to move on from one experience and that has entangled my life into a web of connections.

I don't really know where I am going with this, but like I said when I first started, this is my therapy of sorts. It is for you , but it isn't. Anyway, these are thoughts that run through a soldier's mind in his down time. We can't really aford to think of it any other time. I mean think what would happen if we let our social lives influence our work lives, lol.

finally

I got a picture finally. I was trying to shy away from one of me, but the AP took it. It didnt make the website because I didnt have my glove on, politics. I had the other one on and somewhere along the way while doing my job and respectfully shaking hands to put out friendly messages, I lost it. Now I have a brand new pair! yay me, lol.

Anyway, this goes along with the "Working with the Media" spot I did.

Just remember, no news is good news so if you don't hear from me, don't worry.

CR

Working with the Media

Today I had the pleasure of working with the fine people from CNN. I have NO idea on how they will spin the story, but I could tell they were trying to find strife and controversy. All I can say is they got none. It wasn't planned and or conspired, but it was so, well, perfect. I overheard the questions they asked the local nationals, the ISF, and myself/ soldiers. All of us were unified in our declaration, that while Iraq is not "fixed", it is well on its way to being self-sustaining. They asked if there were divides between the security and if the Arab/Kurd mix of ISF acted differently towards different people, and everyone from the Turkish born to the Iraqi Born, Kurd and Arab alike, said no. They said they are glad the Iraqi Security Forces are there and when asked if they preferred CF or Iraqi and who does a better job, the answer was a simple, "They work together, they are both good!"

I doubt they will show my interview, because they only did one take of it. I also suspect, that my answers were not to their liking. HAHA. If you know me, you know I can tell it like it is, but if what it is, is good...well, like I said, I tell it like it is. I know the media likes good stories, but strife, tension, and death sell. I gave them none of that, because what we have here is the opposite. Sure, there is death, that is war. But when it comes down to it, what we have right now is PROGRESS. Will CNN like that and share all the good things we're doing over here? Well, when/if I get my hands on the video clips, I will share them with you.

I mean I don't know if the media was trying to pluck the heart strings of what they thought would be embedded strife, but all they got was the beautiful and harmonious twang of cooperation and mutual respect.

CR

Today

Nothing spectacular happened today. we cleared assisted ISF clear a neighborhood, Did a patrol, and somewhere in between had an Alvin and the chipmunk marathon. I watched the chipmunk adventure circa 1980's and the new one. I thought the new one would be silly, but I rather enjoyed it. Children's movies have come a long way and watching the two back to back highlighted that fact.

I am sure I could go into a nice psychological analysis of why soldiers or more specifically , myself, are endeared to children's movies and classic movies, but then I would have to get into our nature, our job, and about a million other factors. I will say though that I have an inkling that our tendencies to have the "knight" mentality and be from bygone days might have something to do with our love of nostalgia. I will also caveat that by saying that the services are made up of all colors, creeds, and kinds and that you can NEVER lump a group into generalizations, because you will fail at your attempt to isolate variables and make valid generalizations. That is why I make no claims and do not explore the above topic. I would need tons of research and a population base reaching to the millions and spanning decades, if not one to two centuries. Anyway, I digress even though i attempted not to digress. LOL, maybe now you can see how my tinker works and why I just give commands without explaining. I explain if asked, but i think so much bout alternate methods and variables, that more often than not, while I am human and fallible, I have arrived at the most efficient course of action.

Anyway, another long day on the morrow so I bid you adieu.

CR

update

OK, I am sure some of you are tired of these "deep," insightful," writtings so I will write about my day today. I went to sleep aroun 11pm local time after a long day of about 6 hours of paperwork doing an investigation on a soldier who made an unwise and random decision. He will be dealt with accordingly. As for that issue, I harbor no ill will and simply did my job by executing an efficient and thurough investigation on the issue. Everything is now out of my hands and left to "the higher powers" that be. My mood was tired afterwards so I watch Scrubs for a couple hours before retiring. I had to wake up at about 0400 hours or 4am for you civilian types, lol. My Job is to "advise and assist" Iraqi Security Forces, as well as maintain oversight on all projects occuring in my area of operation. Congress gave us that joy, but it makes sense considering that several billion dollars flow through this cradle of civilization. People often forget this is literally the craddle of civilization. Scholars, religious types and all sorts of folks recognize this fact and if you attempt a counter argument, you are ignorant and I will NEVER debate this or any other form of intelligent issue you with you. It would be like banging my head against a wall. Anyway, so yeah, that is what I do. Now I don't go around yelling at Iraqis to the extent the guy on You Tube did (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pecX4ZR6ZvQ&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fdigg.com%2Flbv.php%3Fid%3D13202539%26ord%3D0&feature=player_embedded ) which is a must see by the way, but I do work with Iraqis. I am sure you all read the news if you bother yourself with this blog so I am assuming that you know we are partnered with ISF and my Batallion was actually the first to successfully comply with that guidance from MND-I/ MND-N. If you want to know what that acrnym stands for, google it.

Gotta run, CR

Simple thoughts....because I love you

This is very random, but just getting your thoughts out help. I believe writing is my release, a therapy of sorts. I don't do this for the reader really, I don't do this for recognition. I don't know what it is, but I do know the words spawn understanding and knowledge is power. Will it give you power over me? Maybe, but more so it gives you power, power to know what it is to be someone else, to live my life - to an extent.

For me, Life is about one thing, People. I mean, we all control our destinies, but others influence the amount of control we have. Maybe someday you could influence me, but in a way your mere existence has led me to where I am today. I mean, maybe I don't know you or I may, but regardless, I love you and wish to serve you. Yes, I could have been a Doctor, a Priest, Lawyer maybe? Yes, all noble professions in deed, but just remember that I chose to be an American Soldier. Simply because I love you.

CR

Squiggles

Ok, so I was driving along some random, inconsequentially named road. I mean the road system names are arbitrary because, well we made them. Anyway, aside from some digressive tirade involving naming conventions and promotions in the military (its a whole-nother story and yes I make words up as I see fit to keep the stories flowing so stay sharp). So we are driving along the road and I see an Iraqi at a check point without his head gear on. Now some of you may say, hey they don't know any better, to you I say, we have been here for how long now teaching them? Exactly. Now you may also think this is an uncommon occurrence, to you I say the old cliche- "If I had a dime...". (And yes the last sentence IS grammatically correct, look it up.)

SO I tell my gunner to make the correction. As a side note I must add the temperatures here are now dancing in the low hundreds and he may have been feeling those UV effects, I say UV because I and my Senior staff make sure our guys hydrate, yes, that's a big deal in the Army. My gunner promptly yells, "Put your Kevlar on! Squiggly Squiggly ".

I had to laugh as well as chide, because it wasn't "PC" to say Squiggly Squiggly, but you have to admit, that was creative. I mean, Arabic would have been preferable, but to the untrained eye...

It is also AMAZING to me at how indigenous people do not see our perspective as to how the written language appears to the untrained eye. I have spent many a conversation relating our impressions of trying to read their language using gibberish squiggles, lol. When done in that method, they understand, well everyone but my interpreter, go figure...

Until next time,
CR

Just because I was awake...

Yes it is 6:16. In the AM. Havent slept in 24 hours. Awesome. I know. I jut bedded down the kiddies and will get some sleep so don't worry. I know my limits and im not even close, lol. Plus we had some fun last night. Anyway, I digress. I kind of wanted to write this so whoever reads it knows what soldiers go through. I mean I can't get into specifics, but You saw what I wrote on the last blog and here I am again some umpteen hours later letting you know my guys just pulled an all nighter. They didnt complain, they didn't whine. No one asked me "why us?". They did it in the most dangerous city in Iraq and then they came back, reset, and bedded down till I wake them up again for another go. That is something to be proud of. I dont care who you are, where you come from, or what you prescribe to. What I have just described is who you have watching your back so you can simply go about your everyday lives, esentially "doing you" as I like to call it. When you see a Soldier or Sailor, Marine or Airperson, just say thank you or hello or just a smile. Anyone of those things and even just a slight head nod at times make all what we do worth ever second of it.

Much Love,
CR

Back to Work

When it is time to work, it is definitely time to work...

I am not complaining, but simply giving a rundown of the last 72 hours (operational specifics left out of course):

I got on a number of planes and spent around 17 hours in the air to reach my final destination. My only wish after all that flight time was that the Army let all those miles count on my frequent flyer mileage, haha. I think if the airlines did, I would NEVER have to ever pay for a plane ticket.

I'm not sure when I slept, but I know I had to have in the last 72 hours because I only remember seeing sunlight on the planes and I definitely had a layover in Kuwait. But that isn't very relative because everybody has lay overs there and everyone knows it. LOL.

After my return here. I learned of some disappointing news and spent most of my day time not preparing for missions, but instead going from meeting to meeting and having just enough time to grab a hotdog and two egg rolls from the DFAC. (I know I am the epitome of health, lol- although I will say I am attempting to actually look like I belong in the Army of yesteryear).

Well to make a long day shorter, I had to run to my room, throw my stuff together and then hit the road. Needless to say I am at the one place I have Internet; however, on a side note I should have service in my room when I get back to it.

Again, times, dates, and key events/places left out for Al Qaedas frustration, er I mean, enjoyment. I mean we have to play fair right?